I hate thinking of the past cause it's not good. It's good to learn from mistakes, but not to dwell on the past. I don't know if it's actually considered dwelling to think of something that had once happened, but that's what I'm calling. Usually I try to figure out what made me think of that flashback, most of the time they're just random. Like tonight while watching scrubs I had a flashback of Jen and Brett of when they lived in the apartment sitting on the blowup mattress in their messy room. I don't know what sparked it, I don't know why I think of anything. Random things said, and places that I have been too with different people. I'm not only talking about recent things, I mean... I'm thinking three years ago, walking in the rain with roy and him slipping almost falling into the ditch and I catching him. Or Brittany Everton and I hanging out in her room listening to sum 41 trying. I don't know what it is but I don't like it. Maybe it's because I have no future to think about? I have nothing exciting to look forward too because I'm going no where. It sounds like I'm downing myself but I'm not, I'm just trying to figure out what's going on inside of my head.
And as for my last post, I didn't mean it. Usually I'd delete it, but I decided this blog won't be like my old myspace one. I'm keeping everything I post. It's not like anyone else reads this but me. I added a link in my aim profile because I can't fit anymore links on my blogger bar. Back to my last post. Alex is still a great guy, besides the fact that he practically destroyed me... which he'll never understand. He has officially moved on from me with school girl (who just so happens to be 18 and lives in virginia beach... I know that because I used to be a creepy stalker on myspace) and I'm okay with it, because mentally I was prepared, I knew he liked her and it was only a matter of time till he got a new girlfriend. (Holy crap, this relationship ended a lot like roy and I's, except on way better terms) He told me he misses his best friend katy, no ex girlfriend katy... and that's when it hit me. This whole time, and still today, I miss my best friend too. I miss having Alex there to talk to, to complain and have road rage with, to spend money that I shouldn't spend with. I miss him so bad, and when he said that... I realized I don't miss him as a boyfriend, but as my closest friend. I saw that I didn't miss snuggling or kissing or holding hands... anyone can do that. I miss our laughs and arguments and smiles.... why am I crying. I am so pitiful. I am so pitiful to be sitting on my bedroom floor crying when it's been nearly two months. What's worst is there's no one to talk to. I can't talk to Alex because he's not truly my best friend anymore. I haven't seen him in two weeks. It's been nearly two months and I am still morning my loss of having him there by my side taking on the world. I'm impressed with how optimistic he's being. We'll probably never hangout again... if not then once or twice before he falls in love and his new girlfriend doesn't want him to have anything to do with me. It'll be finch (mike) all over again. Whenever I text him, I just don't know if I should have or not. Are we friends? Are we just acquaintances? How am I supposed to act toward you Alex? Or should I just do what JD says in episode 1 of season 2 and just leave it alone..... maybe sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I always do nothing, I always hold back and don't talk to Alex. I think I'm probably crazy... but I'm on such a roller coaster. Do I hold on and see what happens? Or just let him go out of my life like I did mike? I haven't hung out with Alex since we broke up... minus the occasional ride home from work.
Which brings me to my next constant thought in my head.. Why is that Alex doesn't miss me as a girlfriend? Where did I lose that connection? What did I do wrong? Is is because I don't have a car? Did I become too bossy or snoopy? Am I not pretty enough? Did I get fat? Did that girl steal his interest from me? Is she prettier then me? Is it because she has a car and I don't? Am I mean to him? Did I not do enough... or did I try too hard? Am I fake? I am too bitter? Do his friends not like me? Did they tell him to breakup with me???? Do his parents secretly hate me? Is it something I said? Is it because we moved out of the apartment? Did I smother him with love or not show him enough affection?????
It is so typical girl of me to wonder these things. I just feel the need to know where I went wrong. And he can say I was a good girlfriend and not for one minute I was a bad girlfriend, but that's obviously not true. It's apparent that something changed your mind.
I hate this. I hate feeling like this again. For the second time in my life (and probably not the last) my emotional status is at a low. This is the reason why I was so hesitant with you Alex.
But what's it matter. It's over, it's done. He's moved on, I'm moving on. We're friends now... but we soon won't. You know what bugs the hell out of me????? Nevermind. It's not even worth typing, it's just stupid. All of this is stupid. I could go back and erase all of this, but I'm not going to. I'm leaving it. I'm getting bitter again so maybe I should just stop typing and get back to watching scrubs.
Nope, I'm not done yet. I still have more on my chest I have to tell you about blog.
That's what you're here for, to hear my crazy thoughts because no one else would understand or listen.
Part of me wants to go to TN. Part of me wants to join the Marines. Part of me wants to stay in VB and work it out. Sometimes I just feel like I can't be here anymore and it's time to move on... because there are so many reminders of so many things. One thing I really hate about it here is that I know so many people. I hate seeing old friends or old teachers. I hate it so much I'd rather cover my face and hide in the bathroom then talk to someone I graduated with that I haven't seen in months... unless of course it's at a random party, then I don't care because I'm probably drunk anyway. But out in public, or at work... I freak. If I go to the marines, I don't have to worry about school or a car, that sounds so damn good right now, but I just feel like I'm going to regret it. I don't see myself in any other military branch, (sorry anya, if you were to ever read this) I just can't do it. I just can't pick another branch because it's easier, or because you can stay home if you want. If any military, it's the Marine Corp. Call me stupid, I really don't fucking care... because if I did anything else, I'd feel like a pussy bitch. Honest. If I move away, I'll miss my Virginia Beach. I'm scared that I'll move away and love it and never want to come back here. How could I do that to my home? I know everything about this place. But sometimes, it just doesn't feel like home, it doesn't feel like I belong here. I guess I just don't feel like I'm owning up to what everyone expected of me here. A tough ass marine girl... Nope, that's not me. I'm the tough ass almost marine girl who went soft for a boy who turned around and dumped her. It's cool though. That's life, I guess.
I recently met this guy named Jerry (aka my georgia boyfriend.....hahaha jacko, if you ever read this, you're the only one who knows what I'm talking about.) Anyway.. He works for a best buy in GA and is also on the project team... which he made sound like is the best damn job ever, and I wish I would have known about it before. You pretty much just work at night and travel to different best buys around the country and best buy pays for your tickets and hotel... they just do the resets and stuff. His best buy he's at now (for seasonal) sounds so sick. It has magnolia, and the music thing, and he said they have 3 apple tables. He sent me a picture.... I thought my best buy was big but god damn!!! he said mass amounts of famous people go in there too. (Which reminds me... I have to look up jeff foxworthy's reward zone on tuesday)
I've been off my hydroxycut for two days... it makes me hate food and that scares me. So now I'm hungry every 30 minutes and it's annoying... I don't know which is worse. Hydroxycut is so fucking awesome though, it's like speed that makes you use the potty often. I need to start taking it again soon, just less, cause sometimes if I take it but don't eat I get jittery and it messes with my head too.... I had 3 panic attacks because I was freaking about how hungry I was but I didn't want to eat and I was shaky.......I make it sound bad but it's not.. It's awesome.
Well, I'm glad I got that all off of my chest blogathan. (I just decided to name my blog blogathan... like jonathan has john for short..... blogathan has blog for short.)
later ;)
I wonder why you hate old friends! Do you also hate your first love?
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